SHAME

TOXIC SHAME

Shame is an important emotion which, in healthy amounts, can help us to live the moral lives we hope to live. But when excessive, or unhealthy, can be damaging and even destructive, possibly leading to stress and disease.

Many people confuse shame and guilt. Guilt is what an emotionally healthy person feels when they do something wrong, cuasing another pain or injury. Shame is what people feel, after a mistake, when they feel they are irredeemable, unworthy or unloveable. In other words, guilt is what one feels after they make a mistake. Shame is what one feels if they think they are the mistake.

Toxic shame stems from childhood usually, after being told by a parent or authority figure that they are “bad”, not just that their actions have caused injury, but they are in fact “flawed” in some way. When told this frequently enough, self esteem suffers, and one feels chronically unworthy, affecting their ability to hold fruitful employment or meaningful relationships. This can lead to loneliness, secrecy, depression and even self-harm.

A perfect example of this is the person suffering through an eating disorder like anorexia nervosa. Often they can trace their unhealthy relationship with food to an otherwise innocent comment by a parent or peer calling them “Fat”.

The stress that results from toxic shame is a result of fear; fear of relationships because the other person may see that they are unworthy, fear of being vulnerable with anyone, fear of standing out and being seen as “Different” therefore excluded from the pack. Imposter syndrome is the result of toxic shame.

Meditation, mindfulness, and self compassion can all be helpful in mitigating the effects of shame.  One truly helpful tool for dealing with shame, as well as other self destructive emotions, is to develop the ability to observe your thoughts. If you can step back and observe your thoughts while you are feeling shame, you will better understand its origins and recognize also that shame is not helpful for you in the given situation.

Obviously, finding a life partner or friend who loves you for all of you, including your self-perceived faults, is tremendously helpful, but can be challenging for those with incapacitating shame.

Cognitive therapy, or honest, objective self-examination will help you understand that as a human you will make mistakes, and guilt is a normal human emotion in such circumstances. But feeling that you are somehow unworthy or unloveable (ie.Shame) is unhelpful and can be damaging.  Try to move past the feelings of shame - know that you are loved, and you are ENOUGH!

In health,

Dr. John Monaco

MONACO Wellness

www/monacowellness.org

(813)541-6440